I want that

 I am in love with Brooks Brothers and their Black Fleece collection is soooooo badass it isnt even funny. However, I am sure they would turn me out of the store the minute I set foot in, so I am reduced to visiting these cardigans online. A steal at 187.00 each. Who is gonna buy me one? I will be your friend forever. I promise to tell your secrets, eat all of your food and make fun of your clothes just like a real friend!

I am always looking for fabulous clothes for Master P, too, and the Black Fleece mens collection is soooo droolworthy. The models are so Harvardy and hawt and look like they could have been members of the Kinks. It does me in everytime.

So, not so cheaperton, but something to save for I reckon. Maybe that change jar will go ahead and fill up.

Good shoes to hide my missing toenail

I had a hankering for a pair of sperry topsiders. Since no one who reads this knows who I am really, this will not shock you, but to my other (2) readers who actually know me this could be potentially shocking. I dont go anywhere near boats, I am about to move to TornadoLand and be nowhere near a beach or a boat (but I will be close to a nasty ass polluted river, which kind of counts). This hankering is not usual for me, but I wanted blue angelfish sperrys and have them I must.

In my search I browsed online and then searched in earnest online and then resorted to bribery (I will quit calling you if you buy me these shoes. I will quit hanging out in your bushes if you buy me these shoes. I wont ruin your lovelife with false statements if you buy me these shoes) all to no avail. Then, lo and behold! My new Belk's card came in the mail along with my ghastly credit card statement (a lie, it isnt that bad...really...) and a 20% off coupon and 10 dollars in Belks Bucks. Yes, the day was mine. I ended up with these completely adorable shoes which I will wear sockless (heh heh heh) and I got them for less than 50 bucks.

So I will have preppy feet, but in reality I bought these because I lost 1/4 of my big toenail and needed some comfortable yet not butt dog ugly shoes to cover the monstrosity that is my water ski feet. Rejoice with me!

Things I find funny today

I was spending this morning much like I spend most of my mornings and afternoons which would be lying in bed and eating cake and hacking around on the internet when I made the hilarious discovery that I have been blocked on facebook by a woman I have never met. How do I know this and why do I care? Well, I will tell you. We have mutual friends and I was posting a comment on said mutual friends wall and I saw a familiar last name. Well I clicked on this gal and figured out she was the wife of a boy I very, very casually dated. Like held hands at church camp dated. I thought "Oh, how nice. That repulsive bag of grotesque flesh found someone to love him" and I went on about my merry way. I typed her name in and discovered that, alas, she could not be found. Yes, my imaginary readers, I was blocked!!! HAHAHAHHAHAHAA!!!! What makes this extra funny is that this poor woman is probably jealous of me holding her husbands fat sweaty hand when I was 15. She thought enough about it and hated me enough to seek me out and block me. I would love to crack up, but it is really quite pitiful.

In savings news, I hit up more lands end yesterday. I snagged two pairs of baby britches (very cute and excellent quality), a patent leather picture keychain for my mother, a long sleeved broadcloth shirt (monogrammed cause I am an obsessed loser) and a lands end Canvas tank top cause I am tossing out all of my junky ones. (Lands End Canvas is the less momish version of lands end, complete with delectable male models looking Harvardy)I only spent 33 bucks and if everything had been at full price (and if I had paid for shipping which I REFUSE to do because it is against my religion) it would have been well over 150.00.

I had another good run the day before (you know, while lying in bed eating cake and drinking Dr Perky) at Lands End and hooked up on a shadow stripe tank (I already have navy and black--50% cotton, 50% modal and they DO NOT cling to the nightmare that is my stomach for which I am eternally grateful. Love the kids, but my stomach looks like a rabid dog got ahold of me and shook my belly skin violently. It is so beyond hot) and a henly tee for less than 12 bucks and free shipping and I paid for it with paypal money from the poor suckers who buy my junk on ebay.

So, in closing, I am feared and hated by women everywhere (well, just one and she is obviously insane), I keep buying monogrammed stuff even though I am the last thing from preppy (I like to think of myself as lazy/lardy) and getting out of bed for any reason is completely overrated.

I am a better shopper than you

And I know it.




I am obsessed with crap with my name on it (I dont need the other hobos stealing my junks, thank you very much) and Lands End knows what I want. I did the hook up on these cute button down shirts for 4.99 each and I bought a truck load of cashmere.

Also, in the lands end dept, I bought all of my nephews christmas gifts there. They got clothes. Haqhahahhahahaa!!!! There is nothing I like more than seeing the shock and disappointment on the face of a small child as they realize they got some nice practical slacks for christmas. I do the same thing to my kids, too, so dont think I am a total sadist.


In other cheaperton news, I hooked up on 6 place settings of gorgeous everyday Noritake china for less than 170.00. They would have cost me over 320.00, but I not only caught a great sale at Belks, but had a 15% off coupon and 10.00 in Belks certificates (that they give people who are stupid enought to jack up their charge cards, of which I would be a member---but I pay it off, so no chinese lectures, please,unless you are bringing booze) so I made out like a bandit. And, as Master P would say, "I want you to have what you want because then you make cakes". Lucky I am.

I am so minimalist it is scary...

So, there is a new trend of tossing out all of your crap and living with nothing. I like this trend, as most of the stuff I own I wouldnt mind setting on fire, but inspired by a bazillion lists of crap people dont own, here is my own list of crap I DO own. Dig it:

1. a gas guzzling landrover
2. a gps in said landrover and another one that I move to my other car (haha!)
3. a stupid expensive spanish leather handbag (that you KNOW I got on sale for 75 bucks!)
4. too many Lilly Pulitzer dresses (is there such a thing? No, there aint)
5.every wooden Thomas train known to man (they are not G-Money's, they are mine. I play with them when he is asleep. heh heh)
6. too many paperback books and tons of other ones I dont even read (but, since I love cash monies, I am selling some on ebay, so stop by ebay, search for crap cheaperton doesnt want and buy my junk)
7. useless dishes cause we only eat takeout off of styrofoam plates that we toss into rivers and streams
8. eleventy billion LP records
9. 5 gazillion cardboard boxes (to spruce up the ol homestead)
10. about 37 bottles of expired medicine (I have a game I play called "lets see what mommy will see when she takes this combination!"

So, there it is. I want you, my lovely non english readers who post dirty stuff in chinese on my unread blog, to tell me what you think?I think I need to go buy more crap. On sale. of course.

Not-so-cheaperton....

Sighhhhh....I have to make a confession. But, before I confess, you need backstory. My 10 year (I know, I look way too old from a life of hard drugs, cleanser cocktails and constant worry to have graduated high school only 10 years before) high school reunion is coming up in about 3 dreadful weeks. While I am confident that everyone else is either fat, boring or gross or living in a van in a not-so-lucrative part of the river as mine, I was stressing as to a dress. The reunion is going to be in the middle of redneckville, which suites me, but I went to prep-neck high and I dont know what these people will be wearing and, lets be honest here, I have to outdress them. So, stupid me goes to the mall. I go to white house black market. I buy a much too expensive dress. I get dress home and ask myself what the hell I was smoking/drinking/popping to spend this much on something that while it looks fabulous on me, I can never wear again anywhere. Back it goes today...to a different location, of course, but whatever.

Here is the good news! I found the perfect dress this morning while lying in bed eating generic pop tarts and drinking Dr K (kroger's version of my Dr Pep...It aint half bad, either)and looking at all the crap on anthro I cant afford to buy when I saw the perfect dress on clearance and a full 80 smackers less than the one from Rape your pocketbook in a black market.

I love it. It hid my many pox and afflictions when I tried it on in the store, but I looked at the price tag and threw up in my mouth. Now that it is less than 75 bucks I can justify.

Other than losing my mind temporarily and paying full price for a bedazzled nightmare, I have had much luck in the shoppery these past few days. Got an adorable Lilly Pulitzer dress for FIFTY BUCKS brand new. I know I am weird for being pink and green obsessed, but it looks so freaking good with my tan. Also picked up some Lucky Brand red leather moccasins for 20 bucks. Oh yeah.

so these are not the exact shoes, mine are way cuter cause mine are red and not this crap they call "dusky violet". What they really mean is faded the hell out gray. Anyway, bought both dress and shoes at Belks, and let me tell you...the shoe dept was covered in blood, the sale was soooo goood.

So, to recap: I was wallet raped because I was desperate. I got not so desperate and found a deal. I found even better deals on other crap, too. So, the moral of the story is dont drink and drive.

Survival cheaperton style

I know my avid and constant (ha!--excluding you fine folks who leave the wonderful comments in chinese that are sex advertisements. Seriously, I love you guys) imaginary readers and Jane who reads this crap because of a decade long friendship and a house of cards, have been pulling your hair out and drinking toilet cleanser waiting to hear of my adventures in redneck-land. Well, my chickadees and perverts, wait no more!
Here is what I have been up to:

I bought a tablecloth at Kohls. I found it stuffed in the back and it was on clearance for about 10 bucks which just happened to be the amount of Kohls cash I had in pocket. I got up to the register and it rang up for about .15. Yes it did and after they cleaned the aisle, it was all good.

I need to buy stock in Raid bug spray. It is never on sale and I cant ever find a coupon. I wrote a few love letters to the company but they keep ignoring me. They wont ignore me for long, though, because I wont be ignored. Maybe sending a suggestive pic of me in my hunting camo gear holding my darling spray will be the way to go. That or telling Mr. Raid-inventor-man that I am going to have his love child. One or the other. Anyway, I use the crap out of it and it is far superior to Black Flag. Spend the extra buck, people, cause it takes about 15 seconds of continuous spraying to kill anything with Black Flag. Not cool.

Lowes is the only place on earth that carries sheer window panels in 95 in length for less than 5 bazillion dollars. 10 bucks per panel to keep my backside from becoming neighborhood gossip is 10 bucks well spent in my book.

Buy tasty beverages on sale. Bi-Lo here is my new favorite. Anyone who does an MVP (Holler Food Lion! I still love you even if you are on the far side of town and I am too cheap to drive all the way out to BFE to visit you!) like sale on tasty beverages is, in my opinion, a God on earth. And stock up.

Finally, TJ maxx and Ross have the same crap no matter where you go and Little Ceasars pizza is nasty in every state and in every town. It is these small constants in life that keep me sane. That and many, many beverages.

ways to survive a military move...for like, five cents

as I sit here on my gigantic butt, eating a faux tart and writing to my non-existant readers, I have been thinking of ways to survive a military move for, like, five cents. well, maybe more, but less than 10 bucks.

1. generic tylenol 3. I got some and it is less than 3 bucks with my rx plan. I never move without it. Not only does it make me climb to the rooftops buck nekkid with a feather in my navel, but it also makes me see Jerry Springer hang out in my bathroom. always a plus.

2. Airplane bottles. You know, to wash down the sams choice tylenol 3. Dont know how much, but less than 10 bucks for sure.

3. Dr. Phil on the DVR. No matter how jacked up your house is, your furniture is or how many times the movers make fun of your music selections (who doesnt have the best of John Denver on 8 track, I would like to know?) or clothes (neon flowered muu-muus=awesome. I dont care what you say, scary toothless man!) you can always turn on the Dr Phil family on Mondays and see how bad off everyone else really is. Our DVR service is pretty cheap, and with our craptastic bundle, we get crappy HBO (who would have thought that Encore would have better movies?), extra crap internet and super scratchy phone!! DVR, though, is my baby daddy. And, really, it aint that expensive and it allows me to watch the horror that is that trashalina gal with three younguns by three different mens. Lurve it.

4.Little Ceasars. Yes, the cheap ass pizza that was basically cardboard with sauce that you ate the hell out of as a kid is now 5 bucks for a nasty ass pie. Forget cooking for my family, I can scrape up change out of the couch cushions and from under the seats of my car and provide a slightly nasty, yet filling meal.

5. The can redemption at Wal-Mart. That thing doesnt really like my Dr. Bob cans, but, dammit, after shoving those suckers in there about 5 times each, it gets me my nickel. and, 5 huge trash bags later, 10 bucks I can spend on generic narcotics, baby bottles of booze and a nasty pizza while I am lulled to sleep by the soft glow around Dr Phils bald head.

So, to summarize, moving sucks, so stay lit and rot your brain with trash tv. it cures what ails you.l

Dressin' up the trailer!

Since we are moving in less than 3 weeks, I decided it would be in our best interest to re-do our bedroom. I was getting tired of our cobbled together craptastic bedding, and one day while tearin ass through the clearance section at the PX saw that they had a crap load (I am really into crap today) of martha stewart bedding (not the Kmart crap, the macy's crap---although I love Kmart and would live there if I could). Most of it was kind of pricey (especially if you have a sweaty army man wallering all over your bed and two kids who always have sams choice pop tart on their grubby little faces and hands)but there was this "coral glossary" (seriously, martha, couldnt you have just called it "I dream of the ocean from behind these bars?") bed set and it was marked down from 90 bucks to 40 bucks. Oh hells yeah. They sold this crap at Macy's for 200.00. Who would pay that, I dont know, but sure as hell not me. What I like is it came with euro shams and the comforter doesnt have those cheap assed looking channels sewn into it. Nice.
Why I bother to put pretty bedding on my crap furniture is beyond me, but somehow it makes me feel better when I have to pour tastee-os and magic stars into my cereal bowl.

Anyway, we have moved up a little in trailer-ville, meaning no more Dr Bob or even (gasp!) Dr Perky, but since Target decided to be kind to us po' folks and put Dr Pepper on sale for 4 for 12 bucks, we have been in hog heaven.

As long as I gaze on Waterloo Outlets I am in paradise....

Up until the army sent us to the frozen tundra, I lived less than 45 minutes from the Premium Outlets. It was great. Banoonoo Repblics, Gap, Hartstrings, and, of course, Claires (just cant get enough of that bedazzled stuff) and the holiday store where you buy those gigantic cheese and sausage logs. When I moved part of my soul died. It was terrible until I discovered the Waterloo Outlets down the road a-ways (well, like 2 hrs, but I am cool with that) up here in snowville. I have only had 1 chance to go before, but when I went shopping, I went shopping. I am pretty sure I am going to have to sell some organs on the black market to pay off the credit card, but who cares? Anyway, we had to make the trek to Rochester on Tuesday for a drs appt for G-Money and Master P got out of his indentured servitude to come with so it was a happy family subaru affair and on the way home we stopped at, where else, Waterloo!!!

Now I went with the idea that I would just buy shoes for G-Money and that would be it. Yeah right. I did go straight off to the Stride Rite store and picked up summer shoes in about .2 seconds. Now, I am probably going to upset some of my imaginary readers and ruffle a few feathers, but if you dont like it you can take your imaginary butt elsewhere, thank you, but back below the Mason-Dixon, I have a terrible time finding G-Money's size in cute shoes. Up here, I have a problem just finding cute shoes. Most of the clothes, shoes, etc for children up here is just straight up out of order or hard down butt dog ugly. I often wonder what will posess people to dress their kids in bedazzled and puff painted Dora and Diego gear, but I reckon it takes all (tacky) kinds. I digress. I found these Stride Rite sandals which would be the exact style he has been wearing since he was a real small fry. I also got him the usual low top Keds sneaks. It is disgustingly precious that Liddy will be wearing matching shoes, since I have kept EVERYTHING G-Money ever wore.

I only ended up forking out around 32 and some change for the little shoes. Not too bad, and I had saved some cash money (Keds usually go for around 25 and the sandals go for 35).

So, as previously stated, I went with the best of intentions to be, well, cheap and not spend all day dragging my exhausted children from shop to shop. Well, as my momma says, the road to hell is paved with good intentions! Wheee!!! I dragged G to every store I could (Master P had Liddy) and I ended up with not a whole lot, but what I got was 5 shades of fabulous. Banoonoo was, of course, my main damage. I picked up a Lily Pulitzeresque silk blouse and a new pair of (get this cause I am soo excited I can hardly contain myself) size 2 britches!! I came out at right about 60 smackers, which aint bad...the britches were 40% off and while the blouse was full price, it was full OUTLET price which makes it okay in my book of justification and denial. What was I saying? I forgot, but the point is, I am a shopaholic and I like to eat generic pop tarts, so it equals out.

Reasons why it is stupid to buy an expensive television

Holler there, cyber stalkers! (yeah, right. No one reads this thing, but hey, I can dream of a world full of restraining orders, cant I?) Been on a slight hiatus slurking around on craigslist looking for a larger entertainment center because, guess what? We have a new TV!

It is that magical time of year called Tax Refund Time. During TRT the sales of zillion dollar television sets seems to skyrocket, especially by people who make five dollars a year. It is interesting. The bigger, swankier and more confrusing a set can be the better people seem to like it. Not me.

If it was up to me, I would make all televisions be the old console kind. You know, the kind with wood paneling and knobs. We had one growing up. It was in the house when I was born and it still isnt dead. Plasmas dont do that! You also cant kick them, either! What, I would like to know, is the reason to have a TV if you cant kick it when the shows are crappy or when Victor on the Young and the Restless divorces Nikki for Ashley and you cant stand it??

I digress. So, knowing that it is TRT and especially living on a military post where privates with nothing better to do than buy bazillion dollar boob tubes every year, Paul (brilliant man that he is!) started looking at the craigslist here and found about eleventy billion sets for about 30-40 bucks apiece. we got a 32'' wonder for 30 dollars! Oh yeah!

People laughed at me and my excitement over this purchase. I told them to go to hell and that they are stupid. This is why (and my original point).

1. You can kick a tube TV.

2. I have kids. Kids area slobbery, tantrum throwing, juice box tossing, destructive creatures. I have a hard enough time scotch guarding my furniture and worrying over that. The last thing I need to have on my mind, other than the rising price of dr peppers, is the screen on my idiot box getting all messed up cause one of my baby darlings barfed on it or touched it with fingers coated in macaroni and cheese dust.

3. new tvs burn out and do not last as long as a million lb tube TV. It is the honest truth.

4.I dont give a fig about having a crystal clear picture and being able to see the pores on Victor Newman's nose. As long as I can still see his moustache, that is all I care about.

5. We dont play video games in our house. We are too busy doing other things that are way more productive like searching the free column on craigslist. That and writing cheesy blogs no one will read and drinking store brand sodas and deciding which tastes the most like dr pepper. My vote is on Dr. Bob from Harris Teeter. Anyway, I have noticed most people obsessed with the badass new TVs are also obsessed with video games and have every single one known to man. I wont even get started on that tangent.

6. new TVs are expensive and cost money. Money which could be spent on more Dr. Bob.

7. I am not an environmental weirdo. I recycle (if I dont the army will take me behind the woodshed and one of us wont return) and I am cheap, so therefore I am pretty environmentally friendly by default, and since everyone is tossing out their tube TV's, I am just preventing those lovely beasts from yesteryear from ending up in a landfill all alone with no one to watch them.


So, long story short, new gigantic zillion pound TV, but our entertainment center (solid cherry, queen anne styling bought at Kinston Used Furniture for 98 bucks--Holleration!) is a fraction of an inch too small for our new glassy-eyed inducing, QVC addict making machine. And all of the armoires I have seen are ugly. Or overpriced. Or made for the new, ultra thin (that just makes TVs sound like a sanitary napkin to me.) sets and wont support the massive awesome that is our gray monster. I will just perch it on top of the other one. We can pretend it is a console.

rugged warehouse and how it kicks anthros butt

Oooh Holler! I am currently back on the right side of the mason dixon line where there is a rugged warehouse about 15 min from my mommas house! I have done hit it up, peoples, and here is what my cheeeeeeep tail got for under 10 bucks:

These gorgeous Vaneli pumps for 7.00. yes. SEVEN BUCKS BRAND NEW IN THE FREAKIN BOX! I found a purple pair online for 82 bucks (mine are chocolate brown and sooooo daggum puuuuuurrrtyyyyy!!!!!). That was the cheapest I have seen, other than my 7 dollar pair, of which I am sure no more remain. Hhahahhahahaha!

I am so awesome I scare myself in the bargain department. Dont ever be afraid of the sketchy places. Usually everyone is too busy buying the cheap assed stripper looking shoes and baby phat products to even bother the really good stuff, so there it languishes until someone with some taste (or me-ha!) shows up to give it a good (or in my case, dysfunctional) home.

Also picked up an anthro shirt for 2 bucks. Kiss my butt, anthro.We have such an unhealthy relationship. They treat me bad and I keep coming back for more. I so need an intervention.

My adventures in anthro-land: I did find online a pair of shoes for 39 bucks, marked down from 140. I was pleased. Currently there are shirts on sale for under 40 and a few dresses on sale for under 75. It appears as if someone up at the big, bejeweled and bedazzled anthro headquarters had the idea come to them while sitting on their 24 karat gold terlit throne that hey, there is a recession on and maybe it would be in our company's best interest to really put things on sale and not just knock 5 bucks off of our horribly and mortifyingly high prices. Glad they got my memo.

target clearance extravaganza!

So here I am, back and still as cheap as ever.




Lately I have been hanging around the endcaps at target, waiting for down comforters and euro shams to be marked down to .001, but while waiting for that to happen, I found some other good deals in that eurotrash, starbucks butt kissin' cesspool that takes all my cash money.




Down comforter- a target home full/queen comforter for 14 bucks marked down from 99.99. I was tickled pink. My bed is already a black hole for productivity, so what is one more layer of feathers and fluff? I haven't showered in 3 days thanks to the feathers. I am sure my friends and family are thankful. Heh heh heh.


Gain detergent- I bought them bitches out! They were the 48 load jugs-o-awesome complete with some febreze freshness for 7.88. I had a coupon, too, so they were dirt cheap. I have a thing for laundry detergent, so it was on, baby.




Earrings- I like earbobs. My ears don't have stretch marks, pock marks or crows feet. I like to decorate them, and when I find earrings for 3.15 each, decorate I will!


These were originally 29.99. Like hell would I pay that much for these gumdrops on wire, but 3 bucks? sure. Not to buy would be tantamount to blasphemy.

Got these chalcedony dwanglies, too, and they looked right purty with my .15 cent calvin dress at church today, if I don't say so myself (which I do totally say so myself)

In non-target news, I have been suffering major withdrawals from Rugged Warehouse and Ross stores. The closest I can get is TJ Maxx (also known as My Baby Daddy), but sometimes I get sick of all the ed hardy tee shirts and stupid hats. So, when I find myself in a position where I cannot eat my feelings away (case in point this evening--no ice cream, so blogging is my poor and inadequate substitute) I travel off to the mall in Syracuse and try to walk into stores that I know my credit is not high enough to even enter, and after I have been asked to leave those establishments, I head to H&M.

Ah, H&M. I luuurrrve you. For a hundred smackaroonies I bought Master P some butt-beautiful britches (he was a wrestler and his booty is sir-mix-a-lot video worthy), I got a fab butterfly sleeved blouse, tank top to go under blouse, black kimono style dress, gorgeous high waisted silk panty with garters and a black chemise that looked even better than this one I was jonesing over at anthro.com. Forget you, anthropologie, and our unhealthy relationship...you just ain't no good for my bank acct, baby, and you make me do degrading things like selling sweat socks on those adult auction sites. I am always pretty pleased with the quality at H&M and if, heaven forbid---there is no way--NOO WAAY- but I am just saying, I ever found myself back in the family way, they sell cute maternity clothes that do not appear to be completely flame retardant and the equivalent of fashion suicide. Nice to know. For everyone else. not me. Nooooo way.